Saturday, March 20, 2010

Wow! So down today


And just can't shake it. I'll try to make some bracelets. Art usually makes me feel better.

Listening to Jackson Browne makes me feel better because I always end up crying and that helps. I saw him in concert twice when I was younger:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXTDIr3egbE&feature=related "Late For The Sky"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHoWsrECE6w&feature=channel "Sky Blue and Black"


I never had depression in my life until 3 years ago when a bunch of major things happened to me all at once--my long time boyfriend of over 9 years broke up with me, my son moved to his dad's because he missed the city so much (San Francisco), I had major surgery (pancreatic tumor size of a grapefruit removed along with spleen and part of pancreas), and the surgeon did a hack job and left me with a premanent condition because of a damaged nerve he inadvertantly hit that bothers me every day (my stomach), one of my cat ran away while I was in the hospital and died two months later, lost my home, my stuff ended up in storage, and a few other things.

Sky Blue and Black:

In the calling out to one another
Of the lovers up and down the strand
In the sound of the waves and the cries
Of the seagulls circling the sandIn the fragments of the songs
Carried down the wind from some radio
In the murmuring of the city in the distance
Ominous and low

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holdingAnd no holding back,
I'll see you through
Sky blue and black

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins

Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand
Yeah, and I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be thereIf you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do

Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

(c) 1993 SWALLOW TURN MUSIC, ASCAP
Category: Music

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Old connections still hurt...



Today, my ex-boyfriend came for a visit and we took Sammie, our dog to fetch some balls. We hang out once in a while, send each other funny or interesting emails, and talk on the phone too. But it's always been a double edged sword.

This is the guy I was involved with after my divorce, a relationship that lasted nearly a decade, almost like a "second" marriage.

When we broke up, it felt like a divorce, since we had been together so long. For a while there was a little musical chairs--getting back together, breaking up, getting back together again...

Finally, about a year and a 1/2 ago, it was done. And the past 3 years had been a very hard time for me. He was one of the biggest loves of my life (another was a guy in college) and it slammed me hard in ways of depression (which I never had before) and utter sadness. A lot was going on for me at the time, which probably added to my desolation.

But I was able to pull thru' all of that and remain standing, and have a "best friend" relationship with him. I finally reached that wonderful place of no longer feeling in love with him or having any desire to get back together, as it had became toxic.

But he came over today, and in between tosses of the ball for our dog, he told me he had been seeing someone for the last couple of months and it was getting serious.

I went home and cried. For some reason, it made me feel very hurt. He had finally bought a house that was supposed to be "our house". He asked if I'd like to visit sometime to see the place. "Nope", I said. To him it was just a house but to me, it was an empty promise from the past.

Part of me is happy for him that he has found someone he connects with, as I do love him and care about him, but not in a romantic way. But I've decided I'm going to tell him I no longer wish to be friends and want to bow out of each other's lives. It would hurt too much for me.

Even though enough time has passed to heal my heart, it can still ache from old memories and the feeling that I have been "replaced".

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The most beautiful excerpt of a poem--James Joyce



"I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes
and then he asked me would I yes
to say yes my mountain flower
and first I put my arms around him yes
and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes
and his heart was going like mad and yes
I said, yes I will..."

---James Joyce (“Ulysses”)

Monday, February 1, 2010

The most prodigious savant of all--Kim Peek


Kim Peek, who inspired director Barry Morrow to write the movie "Rainman", was considered the greatest living savant with incredible memory capabilities. He knew about history, music, days of the week on any given date, remembered every book he had ever read, maps to everywhere, memorized phone books, etc.

He died in Dec. He was considered a prodigious savant, 1 of 10. His dad, who is in his 90's, was his constant companion. Kim could not dress himself, or shave or cook.

Here is a NY Times article about him and his death: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/27/us/27peek.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Dr. Darold Treffert is the foremost authority on savants. His website gives you all kinds of info and also gives you links to many savants: http://www.wisconsinmedicalsociety.org/savant_syndrome/

This is a documentary about Kim Peek:

part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2T45r5G3kA

part 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJjAbs-3kc8&feature=related

part 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Auufbu_ZdDI&feature=channel

part 4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRPxMDj33S4&feature=channel

part 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1aA5osvYgY&feature=channel

Adorable Charming Identical Twin Autistic Savants


This is a documentary about the world's only set of identical autistic savant twins, Flo and Kay Lyman. They are both adorable, charming and sweet, and have incredible memories.

They are able to tell the day of the week of any date, the weather, what they ate, and what Dick Clark, their idol, wore on his reign as host of 1,000 dollar pyramid, their favorite show. They can also tell you who sang any song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5IAecvEA-4 part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWnIRECBpik&NR=1 part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGlF8UdptVo&feature=related part 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8T4DqDpBvY&feature=related part 4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLdSwHNfx7s&feature=related part 5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOhROuH8F0k&feature=related part 6

An Amazing Prodigious Savant (Genius)

Daniel Tammet is one of 10 of the greatest living prodigious savants ever. He has an amazing memory and once recited Pi from memory to over 22, 500 decimal points for a charity. He can calculate numbers in his head with lightening fast speed.

He sees numbers as colors and shapes and they just appear in his head without any thinking at all.

One of the most amazing things about him is that despite being autistic, he is highly functioning and can articulate what goes on in his head. He is able to love (has a boyfriend) and show emotion, has many friends, and has overcome most of his shyness. He learned to speak Icelandic fluently in just a week.

This is a documentary about him. He has written 2 books. I just finished reading his first book, "Born on a Blue day"----amazing and wonderful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbASOcqc1Ss&feature=related part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfoGsXYLxcs&NR=1 part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7oEdE2XjXE&feature=related part 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLzoiVzEY8&feature=related part 4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMz3gjl9x-M&feature=related part 5