Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Old connections still hurt...
Today, my ex-boyfriend came for a visit and we took Sammie, our dog to fetch some balls. We hang out once in a while, send each other funny or interesting emails, and talk on the phone too. But it's always been a double edged sword.
This is the guy I was involved with after my divorce, a relationship that lasted nearly a decade, almost like a "second" marriage.
When we broke up, it felt like a divorce, since we had been together so long. For a while there was a little musical chairs--getting back together, breaking up, getting back together again...
Finally, about a year and a 1/2 ago, it was done. And the past 3 years had been a very hard time for me. He was one of the biggest loves of my life (another was a guy in college) and it slammed me hard in ways of depression (which I never had before) and utter sadness. A lot was going on for me at the time, which probably added to my desolation.
But I was able to pull thru' all of that and remain standing, and have a "best friend" relationship with him. I finally reached that wonderful place of no longer feeling in love with him or having any desire to get back together, as it had became toxic.
But he came over today, and in between tosses of the ball for our dog, he told me he had been seeing someone for the last couple of months and it was getting serious.
I went home and cried. For some reason, it made me feel very hurt. He had finally bought a house that was supposed to be "our house". He asked if I'd like to visit sometime to see the place. "Nope", I said. To him it was just a house but to me, it was an empty promise from the past.
Part of me is happy for him that he has found someone he connects with, as I do love him and care about him, but not in a romantic way. But I've decided I'm going to tell him I no longer wish to be friends and want to bow out of each other's lives. It would hurt too much for me.
Even though enough time has passed to heal my heart, it can still ache from old memories and the feeling that I have been "replaced".